Conflict resolution skills Conflict occurs when people (or other parties) perceive that, as a consequence of a disagreement, there is a threat to their needs, interests or concerns.

There is a tendency to view conflict as a negative experience caused by abnormally difficult circumstances. The people in the dispute (also known as disputants) tend to perceive limited options and finite resources available in seeking solutions, rather than multiple possibilities that may exist 'outside the box' (Healey, 1995).

Therefore, conflict can be defined as a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns (Mayer, 1990). Conflicts, to a large degree, are situations that naturally arise as we go about managing complex and stressful life situations in which clients are personally invested (Ury, 1988).

In this article, we look at two areas that need to be considered when working with conflict resolution: childhood attachments and values.

Conflict and childhood attachments

It can be helpful to understand childhood experience of the attachment formed with their primary caregivers in early childhood. This can affect clients as adults, as it creates expectations of how others will respond to them in the future (Hater, 1990).

People who grow up believing their needs will be met are resilient and able to remain focused, relaxed, and creative in challenging situations. People who grow up without such expectations will fear conflict, and will not trust themselves in conflict situations.

The aim of conflict resolution is to encourage clients to preserve their relationships and help them grow, by being able to confront and resolve conflicts promptly - without resorting to punishing, criticism, contempt or defensiveness (Conflict Resolution Network, 2006).

Types of attachments - attachments developed in our formative years can be broadly categorised as either secure or insecure. Individuals who experienced mostly secure attachments with primary caregivers are likely to exhibit a secure response in the face of conflict. Similarly, individuals who experienced mostly uninvolved or insecure attachments are more inclined to display an insecure response in the event of conflict (Hater, 1990).

Secure responses to conflict are characterised by the capacity to recognise and respond to important matters; readiness to forgive and forget; the ability to seek compromise and avoid punishment; and the belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties.

In contrast, an insecure response to conflict is characterised by an inability to recognise and respond to important matters; explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions; feelings of rejection, isolation, shaming, fear of abandonment, and the withdrawal of love; an expectation of bad outcomes; and the fear and avoidance of conflict (Hater, 1990).

For many, attempts to deal with conflict result in:

Avoidance or withdrawal - e.g. let's not talk about it
Anger and verbal or physical aggression
Emotional blackmail - e.g. you never, you always
Inappropriate use of power - e.g. while you're living in my home you will...
Passive aggression - e.g. not talking to one another
Compromise and giving in - usually leaving at least one person aggrieved
Not one of the above results is an ideal way to end conflict.

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